I'm joining Cebu Blog Camp 2010

I'm a bit hesitant to join this camp because I practically don't know anybody.
I'm still new with this blog world.
I'll just take a deep breath, decide to try and explore this new hobby: blogging.

This camp is a good start.

The Cebu Blog Camp 2010

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Cebu Blog Camp 2010 is an event organized by a group of Cebu Bloggers.

my country's first automated elections

I have heard a lot of criticisms, fallbacks and nasty comments on the Philippines' first attempt of a nationwide automated elections. PCOS machines that don't work, inadventently exchanged ballots of two precints, no organized system on handling voters (other precints distributed priority numbers, others color-coded cards and others nothing at all), impatiend and very rude voters, and what really sucks are those voters who decided to go home and chose not to exercise their constitutional right. What a shame to them all.

But despite all these things, many chose to ignore the heat of the sun, the long and winding lines, and the uncertainty on the new voting process. On some areas of the country, BEIs on those precints even allowed the voters to vote beyond the scheduled time. I have seen on the tv that even until dawn there are precints where voting was still on-going (because they started in the afternoon because of some valid reasons). And I admire those voters on that precint who were patient enough to fall in line and waited for their turn to vote (though most of them were sleepy, pity on those old folks). Comelec reported a 75% turnout of voters which was fair enough to determine our new set of leaders.

Many were thrilled on the new experience of shading ovals on their ballots. They said, it felt like they were taking a board exam. Even my reaction when my ballot was fed on the PCOS machine was quite shamefully childish. ;')   I am so delighted when the machine read 'Congratulations! Your vote is successfully registered.' (Was that correct? I am not sure, really.)

I pray and I hope that we will all unite and support our new set of leaders. Finally, I wish for peace and financial recovery of my beloved country, the Philippines.

where do broken hearts go?

Someone broke my heart today. And I'm sad. I felt like crying. Felt rejected and busted. I'm down and alone again. The feeling is familiar but I never get used to it. I will never be and never should be.

I know God prepared someone for me. Someone. Someday. Somehow. I guess, I have to hold on to that belief. Keep hoping. Keep praying.

But for now, I will allow myself to cry. Because soon I will cry no more. Soon. Someone will wrap me in his loving and protective arms. Someday, the days will be filled with laughter and joy. Somehow, all these will come true.

Sigh.  ;')

my own Mama Mary

I am very unholy, even in my sober state. I grew up very opinionated and usually speaks what's on my mind. They said I am mercilessly frank and carelessly tactless. I am quite aggressive and could even stand a physical fight. No problem because I have a heavily-built body (but I still have curves on its right places, ;') Hah! Talk about self-confidence.

But all these not-so-lovely attributes have nothing to do with my Nanay or with the way she brought me up. She tried hard to raise me up to be an upright citizen, a faithful Catholic and a conservative Filipina woman. I'm all that before (hopefully until now), except that I have changed a lot since the day I decided to just be myself. And I guess, its not her fault why I'm not a perfect daughter she dreamt me to be.

I have fond memories of her every opening of classes in grade school, every Christmas time and whenever I have school projects. She covered our schoolbooks and notebooks skillfully. She wrapped Christmas gifts cleverly. She's good in crafts. She cut plastic covers, art papers very straight. She has a creative mind and an artistic hands. She's good also in stitching but not in crocheting. She doesn't cook well (my father is a better cook than her) but she always managed to provide us a healthy and hearty meals on the table.

Nanay is a very religious woman. I were always told to attend Sunday masses regularly and to pray always, all that stuff. Even until college, I still unconciously follow her religious instructions. During college, living away from her was very hard for me. And for her, as well. Whenever she called on the phone, the first three minutes were spent in crying. She always said, she missed me so much. And that she loves me so much.

When she learned that while staying here in Cebu, I have learned how to wash my own clothes, how to clean the dishes, how to cook rice, how to fry certain foods, she said she's very proud of me. When I graduated in college, she said I made her proud even more.

I guess that's all that matters. Nanay loves me. And that she's proud of me. I wish I could be a good mother to my own children someday. That way, I could show to her how much I love her and how much I am proud of her. I miss you so much, Nanay.

little big angels at El Salvador

I attended a company event last Sunday, May 9 held at El Salvador Beach Resort located at Danao. Danao is a northern town located just across Camotes Island and is a one-hour drive from Cebu City.

When I get there I expect the usual trivialities of family day games, the usual sinful foods and the usual picture-takings. What caught my eyes are the little big kids roaming around. I found them soooo cute. Just check out the pictures below and see for yourselves:

Sigh. Someday when I have kids of my own, they will be also sooo cute, as well. ;') I'll cross my fingers.

a hard dose of reality

I have read an article about how most men think when it comes to sex and uncommitted relationships. Every word, every line, every thought hit me hard right through every vital body part I have. I cried out loud to my heart's content after reading that article. (Good thing I read it in my room.)

I remembered a man who seems to be like he's "into me" at first, but soon after I get intimate with him, he "cools off" and starts acting distant. No more dates. No more visits. No more text messages. No more calls.

Well, I'm here left alone. In the dark. Don't know where to go. Feeling helpless. Feeling worthless. Frustrated. Having difficulty to figure out how to move on. Even the idea of committing suicide had come across my mind for a few times. I guess my friends and my family helped me a lot to get through those crucial times.

Reality shook hard all of my senses when I saw that the man I shared myself with didn't share the same dreams and feelings I have. And then, I realized I can't entirely blame him for this dreadful situation I am in. I must admit, I contributed to my own misery. What's more painful, and it is awfully and shamefully true, because I became physical with a man and he ended up having no interest in sharing his life with me.

Well, most MEN are entirely different kind of specie and they have this unusual, out-of-this-world type of brain. They said only a special kind of force will lead me in order to fully understand a man. And usually that man is THE ONE meant for me. When will it happen? Only God knows.

Someone wrote that maybe I am so wrapped up in his perspective, what he's doing, his feelings, his emotions and his desires that I've all but forgotten about something WAY MORE IMPORTANT.

What I, as a woman, really want.

a dream wedding

I'm going to attend my friend's wedding in a few months time. I was told I was included in the entourage. I had mixed emotions when I received that news. Of course, I am genuinely happy for her and I wish her a blissful married life ahead. But with that announcement, I feel sad inside also and a bit anxious at the same time.

Wedding always make me think on what-would-have-been and what-ifs in my life. Regrets. Promises. Resolutions to make it better next time but would still fail in the end. Others would say, 'Judith, just be patient. He will come in God's time.' Oh, how I wish God's time would come sooner than my birthdays. I'm not getting any younger.

When I'm still on my early teens, my dreamy eyes would light up whenever I watched a bride, in person or on TV, walking along the aisle. Then I would silently announced that someday it's me who will walk down the aisle wearing that pretty white wedding gown with a man on my side beaming a toothy smile and staring at me as if he can't take his eyes off me.

I gained hands-on experiences on wedding every time one of my cousins or friends would get marry their knight in shining armor. I have learned the frivolous wedding preparations to make, the lavish cost it entails, the trivial decisions on oh-so-many small stuffs yet they claimed were all equally important. From the dress everyone in the wedding will wear, to the food before, during and after the wedding, up to the controversial honeymoon itinerary.

I'm always a maid-of-honor during my cousins' and friends' wedding (except on this incoming wedding of a friend to which I'm one of the bridesmaids). Even during the wedding ceremonies, I'm still attending to some small stuffs, from the pinning of sponosors' corsage, to church choir, up to pictorial protocol with the wedding couple.

Despite all those quirky and costly wedding preparations, I still dream of being a bride. Walking down the asile, wearing a pretty white wedding gown with a man on my side, beaming a toothy smile and staring at me as if he can't get his eyes off me.

Sigh.

of blue beaches, blue skies, blue moods...

I've been to one of the beaches in Bantayan Island, Cebu last weekend. It is an almost three-hour drive from the city to Hagnaya port and another almost an hour ship ride to the island itself. I went with a group of young ladies who were all too eager to getaway with the buzzy office life, too happy to hear the silent rush of the ocean instead of ear-wrenching phone calls and too relieved to see white sand and blue beaches instead of a boring flat-screen computer monitor.

The place is quite commercialized, but it still has its power to make beach bums like me to realized how great our Master is. The excitement of being in this far-flung renowned island was overwhelming. But I can't help myself to stop and to be amaze with its splendor and beauty. I would like to see everything around me and to remember them in my mind, complete with its magnificent details. The shoreline, the skies and the birds. The sands, the innocent starfish and the rock formations. I want to visit this island again and again, though only in my mind.

I sat quietly below a shaded coconut tree and let myself detached, for about just a few minutes, away from the bustles of building tents, food preparations, drink mixtures, excited laughs on wacky poses in pictures made by my friends. I don't know why but I always have this habit to make myself aloft and detached amidst happy company of friends. I always allow myself to dwell on my inside world, though happy solitude. Thoughts brought to me during these solitudes never fail to surprise me. I realized, every time I came out of this short-lived 'self-invented time machine', it makes me feel renewed and a bit wiser. But people around me thought otherwise, I don't know why. Maybe I am so reluctant to show the real me. Or maybe, that's the real me, so dumb stupid just like what people say. Whichever might be true, but I don't care.

That time in Bantayan, it made me look on the way I live my life. I realized that I am pursuing worldly, material and less important things which I thought would lead me to a more fulfilling life, but oftentimes leave me either unsatisfied or yearning for more. During one of religious conferences I attended before, they told me that there is nothing wrong with pursuing these empty pursuits except when these begin to consume me or to take greater priority than my pursuit of Him.

I agree, and I guess most of you will also agree, that almost all of us are currently pursuing to one of these pursuits: pursuit of success, pursuit of satisfaction and pursuit of security. Let me quote excerpts from a handbook of the conference I attended before:

• Success is not a bad thing, we just need to examine our motives for wanting to achieve success.
• Things that will give us pleasure in order to fill the emptiness inside of us, or to help us forget our hurts. This could be food, drink, sex, emotional attachments, shallow relationships, etc. These things may give us temporary satisfaction but will never completely satisfy us. We must remember that only He can satisfy our hearts.

Perhaps, I should start re-engineering my life, set new and appropriate priorities when I get back to the city. Though I can't do this alone, at least I'm confident someone will just be there no matter what. Hopefully next time when I get back to Bantayan Island, I am not alone anymore sitting under the shaded coconut tree....